I run a local poetry show called 'Yellow Lamp Poetry,' during one of my recent shows, somebody on the lineup suffered a profound personal loss, and I got to experience it firsthand. I was struck with this sudden realization that we are all living complex lives and then I discovered this feeling had a name: sonder. Every stranger in the street, every person in the waiting room, every friend, and every family member exists singly among the many. Every existing person is going through something difficult and faces an individual challenge. We are all main characters in an unfolding story while simultaneously being side characters to dozens of other lives. We are novelettes, we are epics, we are picture books and dictionaries. We are libraries.
It is miraculous how we forget about the enormity of the place we call home. It is a single world full of billions of worlds, a Russian doll of feeling and experience. Whenever I encounter somebody I am not close to but have close access to suffering a tragedy; there is a reminder of how many worlds are breaking simultaneously. Apocalypses are happening every day, somewhere to somebody, yet we forget the complexity of living too regularly. We are quick to judge and make assumptions, but if we analyse ourselves and think of why we have been the way we are or reacted the way we have, we realise that so much unspoken struggle causes us to act as we do. Under our surface, there are secrets we wouldn't dream of whispering into an empty room, yet we convince ourselves that we know a person based solely on their actions. There are three things we should remember when we encounter unpleasant situations.
The first is 'consider'.
Ask yourself about the possibilities this person is going through and consider what may have caused the reaction. There are also environmental and mental factors to consider. As somebody with autism, if the lights are too bright or if it is too loud, then I tend to react differently to how I usually would. I am often portrayed as snappy when rushing the interaction away because it adds to the already overbearing environment. Instead of assuming that this person is rude or being the way they are for no reason, consider if there are factors you can help to comfort the people around you. It isn't to say that we should excuse the behaviour, but instead realise that everything happens as a consequence. Specific interactions can trigger people, and if we are the giver of an unpleasant experience, we must also consider whether the person meant what they said as we perceived it. It is also important to analyse yourself and apologise. Once my overwhelm has subsided, I find myself saying sorry to people for how I spoke, and I feel a need to explain myself.
The second is ‘communicate’
From both sides of an interaction. If somebody has said something to upset you, then let them know calmly. If you are experiencing something that you know might change your behaviour in any way, explain this as much as you can. Small phases such as:
I am feeling overwhelmed right now.
The lights are really bright, and they are making this experience difficult.
It is very loud, and listening is hard right now.
We are all human, and mistakes happen in life. We have to keep forgiveness up our sleeves and be prepared to go deeper in our understanding. Conflict can be avoided with communication. We are all weighed down by something. Some of us carry heavy things, and others carry a lot of light things, but both equal a hefty load.
The third is ‘comparison’
We, as humans, have this curious habit of comparing our struggles. To place all of our torment on the scales and see who would sink the fastest. We compare struggle to our own in order to understand it, but sometimes this is counterproductive. We compare a person's reaction to our reaction, but only because you reacted a certain way; it doesn’t mean anybody will follow suit. Not everybody cries at funerals, not everybody is awestruck by the view from a mountaintop and only because something effects us in a specific way, we can’t expect that to carry over to anybody. We are all individuals, and all of us are complicated. We all have quirks that don’t make sense, but part of the human experience is being illogical.
Enter this world full of curiosity and questions and unfurl those silences within you. You are a bestseller. You are worthy of being read from cover to cover. There is nothing in this world that should stop you from sharing your truth. Your people want to hear your voice and want to pocket your echo. Once we fully consider the complexity of every individual, then we can alter how we communicate, and instead of comparing, we can begin to build a brand new understanding. If we work together, we can get through anything. I have always believed this.
There is a new challenge coming in the next two weeks. Are you ready? Sound off in the comments.
Definitely needed to read this one today - and always ready for the next challenge!